... it's because I've become incredibly unhappy with my life in general, which results in feeling more tired than I should be and unmotivated with art even tho I try to work on that. I find myself laying in bed more than anything else, be it physically exhausted or escaping reality in my sleep.
I guess it's an influence from being constantly depended on but hardly appreciated by those around me. I honestly don't feel like I'm being treated appropriately despite my efforts and not get any recognition for it. Even I'm human enough to have limited tolerance, my patience would run dry eventually the more I'm neglected/treated like a dick for so long. Truth is, I feel rather miserable and useless now compared to how I once was, all I'm good for now is cleaning people's crap and cooking nowadays when I can't even focus on my art most of the time because of people's selfishness. Why I draw my OC most of the time is for practice and gain a bit of confidence in myself (also lack the money to commission), rather than drawing crap for others if I'm that half-hearted in my own drawing. I don't want people to commission me if my heart lacks the passion for it, that's not what I want if I'm to be called an artist, my pride wouldn't allow it.
Some of you may see me as someone quiet, shy, and occasionally cheerful in person. But really, I'm naturally shy and timid in person, most of my positives is just a facade to hide my unexplainable sadness deep down. I distant myself from most people out of fear and distrust from personal experience, hence why I tend to be picky on whom I'm friends with. I do get uncomfortable if I have a lot of people in my contact list, with them just adding and not making much effort to talk or them constantly bothering me every day over stuff I hardly care about.
In reality, I don't have anyone I can call a "friend" anymore, most of them used me for their own selfishness which resulted to who I am now. There were times when I wish I'd stop breathing when I'm in bed and wish the sadness I've endured all these years were all just a dream, but that's just wishful thinking. I'm not as crazy as my older sister who can't live without a guy in her life and doesn't shut up about it, but I do wish there's someone who could fill the void I'm feeling for a long time now. I've never been in a relationship before so I can't relate to anyone who already has a partner or used to have one, but I suppose not being in a relationship has it's own benefits in some way.
I hope this clears up my personal background and what I'm like as a person for those who wants to know me a little better. I'm sorry for ranting so much though ^u^;